Is this love or war?

"Zealous, yet modest; innocent, though free;

Patient of toil; serene amidst alarms;

Inflexible in faith; invincible in arms."

-James Beattie 

Yesterday I sat in church and listened to a beautiful sermon. It was delivered by a boy, not yet out of his teens, who is embarking on a 2-year mission to Moscow, Russia to teach the people there about Jesus Christ and His gospel. This young man called us all to action - asking us to search our hearts for the presence of true charity and our bodies for the willingness to act.

I mentally took inventory of my own heart. It surprised me to realize that I haven't felt particularly "spiritual" for the last long while. I've had peace and I've had wisdom not of my own abilities. But the glamorous stuff like screaming cries of hallelujah from a fat lady in church, or the burning so deep in your soul that you would never dare to try to express it in words...those moments seem like visitors that departed my life months ago. And what they left behind was a mess.

Last year I had a friend send me a perfectly timed quote. "Character is the ability to carry out a worthy decision long after the emotion of making that decision has passed." Amen to that. But dang to the uphill journey. 

Saturday was good. I started the morning once again dreaming of tying my bed sheet into a cape and flying away from it all. But a phone call from my angel friend thwarted my plans. Their family took this same journey 3 years ago and ultimately adopted a teenage sister and brother, so she has been a source of invaluable advice and support these past months. We had never met in person until now. As I voiced some of my frustrations and concerns, she advised me to take a deep breath and then get down on my knees and pray that our family would be able to have a nice day together. Period. She knew we needed that and she helped me realize that it's okay to ask God for that simple request. Sometimes we just need one good day. And we got it.

Our families met and Sasha instantly hit it off with their kids. The girls, not so much, but we made no issue out of it. We went bowling and then Aaron's brother and his wife hosted us all for a delicious dinner at their house. The kids played video games, soccer, basketball and who knows what else while the adults had some time to talk. When we headed back to Park City late that night, the mood was happy and light. Success.

And then it got downright hilarious. With all 9 of us in the kitchen rummaging through the cupboards for late night snacks, Sasha decided to do a 30 minute stand up comedy routine by imitating the habits and mannerisms of each of us. Set to farts, naturally.  

Sunday morning at 7:00am was met with less hilarity than the night before. I woke the kids for church, but the fight from Sasha was surprisingly minimal since he knew he was going to church with his new friends. We had smuggled his church clothes in our suitcases because we didn't have energy for the fight while we were in Austin and he laughed when Aaron pulled them out. The challenges started when we arrived in the church parking lot and Aaron explained to Sasha that he couldn't wear his ball cap inside. After a good dose of opposition, he finally conceded. 

This time it was 9:15 before we got the note from Sasha that church was too long. A big improvement from the note we received at 9:01 last week. He and Alina, along with the rest of our kids, made it through all 3 hours of church. I got reports that Sasha talked incessantly during class, took a walk for a bit, but we are just grateful he made it through. Aaron and I took Ilona and Macoy with us to the other end of the valley to attend a missionary farewell of a friend in a Russian speaking ward. Ilona got a huge smile on her face when they opened the meeting in HER language! The first speaker was a little boy, I'd guess about 9 years old, who spoke in Russian. I watched Ilona out of the corner of my eye and she seemed to be paying close attention. When he was done I asked her if she liked it, to which she replied, "Bluck!"

Once we arrived back home in Park City, tensions were palpably high. The girls were having a very hard time. They don't like to take turns with things like bikes and riding shotgun in the car and a bike incident set Alina off. I've watched her get progressively more physically aggressive, hurtful, and dishonest. After about the 5th time she lied to me that my girls had punched her or each other, and then watching her and Ilona repeatedly tear down a fort my girls were building, I had had enough. Mom mode set in and it was not welcomed by the girls. This behavior is very expected, it's just hard to constantly remind myself and my children that the lessons they have been learning since they were toddling around our house are things these kids are learning for the first time.

After a frank discussion about lying, hurting each other and what we expect in our family, Ilona announced that she wanted to go back to Ukraine. Of course she does. In Ukraine nobody cares enough to teach her how to be better. That kind of growth hurts and comes in a very uncomfortable package. I told the girls how much we loved them and they took their time finishing their pouting and sobs, but eventually they joined back with the family and even picked me, Aaron, and both babushkas huge bunches of wildflowers.

Sasha slept through the entire evening. He and the girls chose to stay up all night Saturday watching movies, so they were all beat to shreds. I know the girls exhaustion fueled their negative behavior, but instead of napping, they acted out. It doesn't make my job any easier to understand that, but it does give it more clarity. All in a day's work around here.

As people watch from afar, they usually ask one of two questions. Why? or how can I help? For those asking why, I have only this to offer. A long time ago, we decided that we could ask one of those two questions to Heavenly Father. When we asked how we could help, this was the answer. And I don't believe it was the answer because we had any more money, strength, wisdom, faith or parenting skills than anyone else. It is the way He chose to teach and humble our family enough to rely on Him like we never have before.

And for those of you asking how you can help, we thank you. Last night as angry butterflies swirled in my stomach, a perfectly timed email came through from a friend in Austin offering love and support. That simple email was exactly what I needed to reframe my focus. Love to you all out there supporting us on our journey and laboring through your own. We do need each other and I hope you feel our prayers for you.

May we all be inflexible in faith and invincible in arms. 

Onward!