Gettin' crazy

I'm irritated. Big time.

Saturday was dental day for our kids. After Aaron completed the work on two other children from Ukraine, it was our turn. Sasha and Alina went. Ilona refused. We pleaded, cajoled, and lovingly tried to explain all the good reasons for fixing her teeth. 12 cavities. A willing pediatric dentist and anesthesiologist...free of charge. And of course, a big, fat "nyet". (that's 'no' for those of you who don't speak Russian).

As she was throwing her tantrum, a well of anger started to bubble inside of me. I asked the anesthesiologist if he had a tranquilizer gun. 

"Sort of," he said.

"Well use it. This chick doesn't know what's good for her."

Now Aaron, being the much more mature and Christ-like person that he is, told me I couldn't order the tranquilizer. Dang. We couldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do. We had to make this her choice. And she chose to refuse the gift. And not only did she refuse, she had to spend the rest of the day treating me like dirt, because clearly we had wronged her in our offer.

That experience pretty much sums up our summer. 

But you do the right thing because you know better. Sometimes I just hate being the one who knows better.

You take them school shopping - all 7 of them, and you keep your sense of humor while they tell you how stupid American clothes are.

You contain your utter bitterness as you offer to alter one of Aaron's good suits for Sasha (because he told you he needs one for school next year) and he tells his sister to tell you he "no like" and he tells you he didn't get out of bed for this. 

You apologize to your friends who invite your newly expanded family over for fun, only to have 3 out of the 9 of them sit with their arms folded and their mouths turned downward.

You watch in defeat as you see their English tutor (their pro bono English tutor), sweating and scurrying to gather her lesson materials at the end of class, telling the kids, "No crazy next time."

You shake your head in disbelief as they ask for money to do a simple household chore.

You swallow the lump in your throat as your son reveals bruises inflicted by one of the girls.

And you lay awake at night, marveling at the irony of it all. And you realize that no amount of  opportunity, structure, fun, guidance, self sacrifice or love will be enough for someone unwilling to accept the gift. And that truth kills you inside.

Because I don't believe anyone born into this world lacks a tremendous and beautiful potential. I see it in these children. And I would be doing them an injustice by painting a picture of them using nothing but dark strokes. They are brilliant, strong, tender, caring, teachable, funny, brave, forgiving, helpful, loving and even gracious at times.

Sasha offered the prayer at church and thanked God for our good and loving family.

After working for days to earn money, the kids tell you they did it so they can give it to their brother in Ukraine.

You agree to get Sasha another paying job and your friend texts you and says, "Some kind of helper you sent me." He meant that in a good way.

You watch Ilona, the one with the most difficult time relating to people, devote hours to caring for the animals at our house.

You see Alina's sensitivity to our down moods, and appreciate her trying to bring peaceful feelings back.

You get a request from Sasha to go running with you in the morning because he's proud of his new non-smoking lungs and he wants you to see how far he can go.

You smile as their heavy Russian tongues try to make out enough English to play "Go Fish", even though they've told you they'd rather be sleeping.

You accept their unsaid apologies, because this is the first time they've ever experienced this and it's frightening.

You play, tease, and laugh with them as much as they will let you...savoring every happy moment.

And to cope with it all, sometimes you do things that expose how absolutely crazy you have become. Like when they suggest the most insane game of dress up ever. You say to each other, "you've gotta be flippin kidding me," but you agree because you know it will keep them occupied for the time being, make them laugh, and you've calculated that this will easily pass two more hours of time...that much closer to the end of their stay. It's terrible and it truly is crazy to have this conflict residing continually inside. Enjoy the pics.