Lost

I walked out of the grocery store yesterday and stood there completely confused. Should I turn left or right? I had no earthly idea where I had parked my car.

And then it hit me. This was the first time in 6 weeks I had been to the store without Sasha, and he is the one I've relied on to find my way. My breathing became shallow and tears streamed down my face as I wandered aimlessly around trying to distinguish my black SUV from the 50 others parked there, realizing that the parking lot isn't the only place I've grown to rely on him for direction this summer.

All 3 of the kids have led me, perhaps more than I've led them. And I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye. But August 14 is upon us. This morning there is packing to do and last minute conversations to have, so I must tend to that. When we return home from bidding them farewell in Dallas tomorrow, I will sleep, process, and when I have the words, I will write. For now, here is a peek into the summer that changed our lives forever.

Collins Family Ukrainian Summer of 2013

Exit Polls

I walked across the rickety boat ramp yesterday, the sun's relentless rays scorching my skin, arms loaded down with bags of gear, 7 children in front of me, and it happened. A crack in the emotional dam I've built weakened, and the tears pressed through to the other side. A side I thought was safe.

Sunglasses masked the damage, thankfully - I'm not ready to expose myself just yet, if ever. I want the kids to feel how they need to without being swayed by my silly emotion.

But enough about  me. Let's hear, once again, from the troops on the ground.

FAITH:

How do you feel about saying goodbye to the kids on Wednesday?
Sad. I will miss them so much.

In what ways do you think our family has helped them this summer?
Sasha has realized he can go without smoking and they have all learned to work.

In what ways have they helped you?
My mom said it would be hard, but I didn't understand what that meant. I now realize she was right, but I have learned to deal with it.

What have you noticed about mom this summer?
She has been really busy.

What have you noticed about dad this summer?
He has been more patient and finds a way to love all of us.

What have you noticed about yourself this summer?
I have noticed that I really don't like chaos.

If you could have one wish for these kids, what would it be?
That they could live a good, successful life in Ukraine as a family.

If you could have one wish for yourself, what would it be?
Unlimited wishes.

JAXON:


How do you feel about saying goodbye to the kids on Wednesday?
SAD (great big letters)

In what ways do you think our family has helped them this summer?
We helped them like America so we can adopt them.

In what ways have they helped you?
They helped me by getting another friend.

What have you noticed about mom this summer?
She loves them.

What have you noticed about dad this summer?
He loves them.

What have you noticed about yourself this summer?
I want to adopt them a lot more than before.

If you could have one wish for these kids, what would it be?
They get adopted by us.

If you could have one wish for yourself, what would it be?
We adopt them.

MACIE:


How do you feel about saying goodbye to the kids on Wednesday?
Sad. 

In what ways do you think our family has helped them this summer?
New clothes, food, Lagoon, boat, lots of other things but too many

In what ways have they helped you?
They helped me want more kids.

What have you noticed about mom this summer?
She didn't really pay as much attention to us as she did them. But that's ok.

What have you noticed about dad this summer?
He probably paid less attention on them than us. So we all get about the same attention.

What have you noticed about yourself this summer?
My temper got worse ;( EEEE!

If you could have one wish for these kids, what would it be?
To adopt them. Yes. That's what I said. HA! HA! Oh my gosh!

If you could have one wish for yourself, what would it be?
If I could start the summer over I would.

MACOY:


How do you feel about saying goodbye to the kids on Wednesday?
A little sad because we won't ever see them again probably. I do hate Alina screaming.

In what ways do you think our family has helped them this summer?
I'm just going to say, "doing work."

In what ways have they helped you?
I've had more friends.

What have you noticed about mom this summer?
That she has been mean sometimes. But she's been nice mostly and fun mostly.

What have you noticed about dad this summer?
Last night Ilona and Alina were playing with him.

What have you noticed about yourself this summer?
It's hard to love so many kids.

If you could have one wish for these kids, what would it be?
Giving them their favorite thing.

If you could have one wish for yourself, what would it be?
The best mom.
Oh my gosh, this is a lot of questions. I'm out.

Gettin' crazy

I'm irritated. Big time.

Saturday was dental day for our kids. After Aaron completed the work on two other children from Ukraine, it was our turn. Sasha and Alina went. Ilona refused. We pleaded, cajoled, and lovingly tried to explain all the good reasons for fixing her teeth. 12 cavities. A willing pediatric dentist and anesthesiologist...free of charge. And of course, a big, fat "nyet". (that's 'no' for those of you who don't speak Russian).

As she was throwing her tantrum, a well of anger started to bubble inside of me. I asked the anesthesiologist if he had a tranquilizer gun. 

"Sort of," he said.

"Well use it. This chick doesn't know what's good for her."

Now Aaron, being the much more mature and Christ-like person that he is, told me I couldn't order the tranquilizer. Dang. We couldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do. We had to make this her choice. And she chose to refuse the gift. And not only did she refuse, she had to spend the rest of the day treating me like dirt, because clearly we had wronged her in our offer.

That experience pretty much sums up our summer. 

But you do the right thing because you know better. Sometimes I just hate being the one who knows better.

You take them school shopping - all 7 of them, and you keep your sense of humor while they tell you how stupid American clothes are.

You contain your utter bitterness as you offer to alter one of Aaron's good suits for Sasha (because he told you he needs one for school next year) and he tells his sister to tell you he "no like" and he tells you he didn't get out of bed for this. 

You apologize to your friends who invite your newly expanded family over for fun, only to have 3 out of the 9 of them sit with their arms folded and their mouths turned downward.

You watch in defeat as you see their English tutor (their pro bono English tutor), sweating and scurrying to gather her lesson materials at the end of class, telling the kids, "No crazy next time."

You shake your head in disbelief as they ask for money to do a simple household chore.

You swallow the lump in your throat as your son reveals bruises inflicted by one of the girls.

And you lay awake at night, marveling at the irony of it all. And you realize that no amount of  opportunity, structure, fun, guidance, self sacrifice or love will be enough for someone unwilling to accept the gift. And that truth kills you inside.

Because I don't believe anyone born into this world lacks a tremendous and beautiful potential. I see it in these children. And I would be doing them an injustice by painting a picture of them using nothing but dark strokes. They are brilliant, strong, tender, caring, teachable, funny, brave, forgiving, helpful, loving and even gracious at times.

Sasha offered the prayer at church and thanked God for our good and loving family.

After working for days to earn money, the kids tell you they did it so they can give it to their brother in Ukraine.

You agree to get Sasha another paying job and your friend texts you and says, "Some kind of helper you sent me." He meant that in a good way.

You watch Ilona, the one with the most difficult time relating to people, devote hours to caring for the animals at our house.

You see Alina's sensitivity to our down moods, and appreciate her trying to bring peaceful feelings back.

You get a request from Sasha to go running with you in the morning because he's proud of his new non-smoking lungs and he wants you to see how far he can go.

You smile as their heavy Russian tongues try to make out enough English to play "Go Fish", even though they've told you they'd rather be sleeping.

You accept their unsaid apologies, because this is the first time they've ever experienced this and it's frightening.

You play, tease, and laugh with them as much as they will let you...savoring every happy moment.

And to cope with it all, sometimes you do things that expose how absolutely crazy you have become. Like when they suggest the most insane game of dress up ever. You say to each other, "you've gotta be flippin kidding me," but you agree because you know it will keep them occupied for the time being, make them laugh, and you've calculated that this will easily pass two more hours of time...that much closer to the end of their stay. It's terrible and it truly is crazy to have this conflict residing continually inside. Enjoy the pics.

The Shave

How do you mark the exact point when a boy becomes a man? Is it the day the police take him away from his parents because they are unable to care for him and he suddenly becomes a caretaker to his two younger siblings? Or the day he smokes his first cigarette? Or perhaps, just maybe, is it the day his American papa takes him to the store to pick out his first, very own razor?

If that doesn't make you a man, I don't know what does.

Sasha has this friend, Oleg, who is also being hosted by an American family. After being apart for over a month, they were able to see each other through Skype last night. When Sasha laid eyes on him, his laughter overtook his words. Oleg had a mustache. I told Sasha I thought it looked like more of a baby caterpillar on his upper lip. Whatever it was, it seemed that this was the first time Sasha had seen him with anything but plain old skin up there. And he thought it was dang funny. And kind of mortifying.

After a long conversation with his friend, Sasha casually waited for Aaron to come home. When he pulled up into the driveway, Sasha wasted no time popping the question. He wanted a razor. No, he needed a razor. Aaron studied his upper lip and questioned him, but Sasha was adamant. And off to the store they went.

Now it was my turn to casually wait for the boys to come home. I positioned myself on the porch swing and pretended to be reading a novel when they pulled into the driveway. Before the truck came to a stop, Sasha flung the door open, ran over to me, and sat down on the swing. Out of the crumpled plastic bag he revealed his treasures, one by one. A can of smooth performance shaving cream. A top rated, fusion technology, Gillette Mach 3 razor. And Risk, sensual scent after shave. I grinned and made that woot woot noise, perfect for occasions like this.

Then I asked Sasha if I could take a closer look at the situation. I tilted his head toward the light, squinted my eyes, and tried with all my might to locate a facial hair. I studied from several different angles, but each time I came up empty. The teasing continued, so he decided to show us his pits. Ahh, there's something. I'm pretty sure most men in America don't shave their pits, but Aaron does. It's cleaner, just like sitting down to pee. Maybe Sasha wanted to be like him, or maybe Ukrainian men like a clean pit too. Whatever the reason, he was proud to actually have something the razor could cut.

I've never seen Sasha excited to take a shower before this morning. I didn't hear him come downstairs, but the sensual waft of aftershave alerted me to his presence. He was holding his mouth in one hand and his razor in the other. From under his hand, I heard the word "fu", as he handed me his razor. And then I saw it. A drip of blood escaped from under his palm, and ran down his chin. "Sasha, what happened?"
"This razor is fu, Ma."
"Let me see your face."
He lifted his hand to expose 2 long slices, horizontally across his bottom lip.
"Sasha, you don't shave your lip silly. And you have to be careful and go slow."
"Sasha slow like dis," and he demonstrated his careful shaving technique.

He carried around a paper towel for a good while, trying to stop the bleeding. I took his other hand and led him into the bathroom where I showed him the tiny piece of toilet paper stuck to the shaving wound trick. He told me that was "cdraaazy", but I insisted he try it.

I'd pay a lot of money to have a picture of Sasha right then. But I didn't have the heart to snap a photo when his pride was already on the line. You have to be careful about those things when you're dealing with a man.